Allowing myself to be truly seen is something that I have personally struggled with most of my life, well for as long as I can remember, although most people would most likely say that I am very open. And yet I know that by trying to be what is either expected of me by society or my friends and family makes me feel less expansive and more contracted. I have realised that for me to find freedom I need to allow myself to be truly seen.
In this world where we have so much social media and we're presenting ourselves in a certain way, (a perfect life where everything is beautiful and you're having the most amazing experience and you’re so unique and knowledgeable and so much better than everybody), is almost like an unwritten rule. Allowing yourself to be truly seen seems to be completely counter to what everyone else is trying to do. However allowing yourself to be seen is where true freedom lies, because trying to maintain a perfect looking life to everybody else is incredibly exhausting and it is out of alignment with your truth. Not only is it exhausting but it actually creates a lot of distance between you and other people as not many people can really relate to perfect. If you think about people (and the name Brené Brown comes to mind) who have shared really personal insights into their own lives with the world there is something real about them and relatable. It is as if you get them but not only do you get them but there is a feeling that they might get you too. When someone is willing to be themselves there is authenticity and with authenticity comes trust and when you can trust someone it is so much easier to open up and connect with them.
It is funny because the things we feel ashamed of the parts of us that we try to hide are actually the parts of us that make us human and relatable.
The upsides of allowing yourself to be truly seen are deep connections with other people a freedom to really be who you are and to own every aspect of who you are. When you own everything and you learn to let go of the shame of some things that you think are unacceptable you can start to accept other people as well and there is greater and deeper understanding. You are able to see that all humans are just human we are all flawed we all have things we like and dislike about ourselves but that that does not make you a good or a bad person it just makes you human. Allowing yourself to be truly seen also creates confidence, deep, deep confidence because when you have accepted every part of yourself whether somebody else accepts it or not is completely irrelevant. When you are trying to hide parts of yourself there is always a lingering fear inside you that somebody might see something you don't want them to see there will always be something you feel like you are hiding. This hiding of a part of yourself takes a lot of effort and thought and manipulation and whilst you think that other people don’t see this we all pick up on everything that everyone is being on some level whether we are aware of it or not. I feel that there is a massive reason why learning to allow yourself to be seen is so incredibly important, because it helps you to live a much more full and happy and confident life. So how do you go about it that's the next question how do you overcome the fear of letting people see all the things you think are unacceptable?
For me one of my first steps into this was bizarrely enough sitting in front of a camera and a microphone when I did my training. We had to do these little videos and on one of the days I realised that I could get up and stand in front of people and talk and feel quite comfortable but as soon as I was in front of the camera I became really self conscious and self aware and not in a good way. I didn't feel like who I became as it didn’t feel like me and it bugged me. I knew a process that had helped me in the past uncover something that I wasn’t immediately aware of so decided to do it. I got a piece of paper and I sat down very innocently I started bullet pointing all the things that came up for me when I imagined myself sitting in front of a camera. The very last thing that I put down was the feeling of being alone. As I wrote it down I could feel this deep feeling of aloneness and the fear around that was that people wouldn’t accept me. That I would be rejected if people saw every part of me and the fear was that I would be alone. For some reason being in front of the camera really triggered this for me and the realisation was quite emotional. However once I had allowed myself to fully feel this aloneness that lived inside of me that I hadn’t even really been aware of and allowed myself to retrace my steps in my life to the times when I had felt really alone and allowed myself to cry and release the pain of all of this I felt a peace and a calm so deep and so clear. I asked myself was what I believed really the truth? Was it really true that I would be rejected by every single person I knew if they knew who I was? And was I ever really truly alone? I saw that no one is ever alone there is always Source / Life / God / Allah where ever we are and what ever we are doing. The truth was also that no one had ever rejected me because of who I was it was normally because of who they were. People were normally more open when they knew you more deeply there was more understanding and acceptance.
The way to start stepping into this is
If you have enjoyed this blog or feel I have missed something out I would love to hear from you. I also have many other resources such as free courses, lots of videos and a podcast which you can find on my website which is listed in the first comment below.
So much love from me to you.
I think self belief is one of the most important qualities anyone can have and building self belief is one of the most important things you can do for your self. This is because whatever you believe you make real. If you believe in yourself then life is something that you can engage with because you know that you will find the answer or find a way past challenges as they come up. If you don't believe in yourself then life becomes a much more scary place because you won’t feel like you have the tools or the ability to handle what comes up in life. I spoke about this in the last blog on resilience but it is not just in this area where having a strong belief in yourself is important. It is important in every area of your life. In fact when my kids started school my one desire for them was that when they finished school that they would believe in themselves then they would be able to face anything in life and know deep down that they would be able to thrive and life would be an exciting journey of exploration.
If you have low self belief this is not the end of the world as self belief is something that you can develop and grow and I will give you a technique later in this blog that will help you do just that. Firstly I want to dive a little bit deeper into self belief and into beliefs in general so that you can really understand how what you believe you make real.
When you believe something to be true your subconscious creates thoughts and actions that align with that belief. If for example I believe that I’m not particularly clever then I will have resistance to taking part in things that challenge my mental capacity and because I believe that I'm not good in that area I will avoid doing things that require me to use this faculty. I might even get fearful when I am put into a situation where it requires me to be clever. And this is the catch, when you are scared and you feel fearful your brain responds by putting you into fight, flight and freeze mode. When this happens the focus of your brain moves to survival and to the reptilian brain which takes focus away from your higher thinking. This means if I believe that I am not particularly clever and I am put into a situation that challenges my cleverness my brain in the panic will shut down and prove to me that I really am NOT very clever. The subconscious is so powerful at convincing us of our beliefs that we truly believe that they are the truth.
Another example might be if I believe that I am not loveable and I start a relationship my partner might pass a comment that to other people does not mean anything but because I have pain around this I might over react by getting angry or by withdrawing. Either of these responses will cause distance between me and my partner and over time with many more incidences like this my partner will most likely leave proving to me that indeed I am unlovable.
There are all sorts of beliefs that you have created both positive and negative which generate thoughts and actions that perpetuate the belief.
There are people in the world who have very little other than self belief and they have achieved phenomenal things. People like Hellen Keller who was blind and deaf but has written books and is widely quoted for the wisdom she has shared and Nick Vujicic who was born without limbs and is now an internationally famous inspirational speaker and has also written at least one best selling book. When I look at people who have bounced back from all sorts of incredibly challenging situations only to succeed in the most amazing ways the one thing they all had in common was self belief.
Now that I have hopefully impressed upon you how important it is I am sure you want to know how to develop it.
For instance if I decided I was going to go and run 10 miles ( I am really, really unfit at the moment and there is no way I could run 10 miles) I would start dreading it immediately. These thoughts of dread would be my subconscious already manipulating me to start doubting myself. I would be quite fearful because I would know that I wasn't up to the challenge. I would also physically find it impossible to do a 10 mile run and all of these things are the feedback that I'm talking about from the subconscious and life that would make it incredibly hard for me to streatch myself this far from where I am.
This sort of resistance also happens when you start something completely new as your subconscious has no data that you are able to do what you set out to do even if logically you should be able to do it.
For example (I am gonna stick with the exercising because it's in my head) if I haven't exercised for a really, really long time and I decided I'm going to start exercising. Just that initial step into exercising will cause my subconscious to produce lots of resistant thoughts. Thoughts such as I don’t need to do it today I could do it tomorrow, uncertainty, or making something else a priority. All of these thoughts are your subconscious creating doubt because the streatch is too great. This is important for you to know so that should you decide to do something new (even though logically you think it's not a big thing) make sure that you make the steps small so that the resistance from your subconscious is something you can manage without giving up.
Finally I found when I started becoming aware of all of this that I was quite good at keeping my word with other people but I was not as good at keeping it to myself. Watch what you say you are going to do internally as well as externally.
To summarise - if you want to increase your self belief you need to be setting yourself challenges that stretch you at least 20%. You need to be achieving those challenges and completing them at least 80% or more of the time to be able to increase your self belief. On top of that you also need to be very aware of what you commit to and what you promise because these are also like mini challenges. The more that you are your word and the more that you keep your word the more that your subconscious will believe that you’re somebody who can and does and that’s really all there is to it!
It sounds really simple but I know it's not always as simple as it sounds. Don't be too hard on yourself in the initial stages you might fall down and you might slip up but if you keep trying then you will find this an incredibly powerful tool that can transform your whole entire life. Not only that but there is magic in playing in this space and when you can consistently acheive your challenges 80% of the time or more it is as if life starts playing with you as well. You will notice that there are more synchronicity’s and coincidences than ever before and who doesn’t want some of that in life!
If you want access to more of my resources you can find the on my website which is listed below in the first comments.
So much love from me to you
I’ve decided to build on what I was talking about last week in regard to resilience and dive a little deeper into building resilience. Although it is interesting to know how resilience and endurance fit together I am sure you would also like to know how you can build resilience in your own life. I have a tool I share with my clients which I will give you later in this blog.
The practice of building resilience is a bit like the difference of dieting and eating healthily. Eating healthily is a life choice and dieting is a momentary solution of a perceived problem. Eating healthily will mean you are healthier throughout your life but fad diets very rarely work in the long term and can actually cause your body harm. The same is true of resilience. If you streatch yourself in one area and have not been consistently working on it you will find that it causes you harm. However if you build resilience in all areas of your life when you are asked to streatch you will be far more able to do so without too much stress to yourself. It is also important that you not only build in resilience but that you also build in ways for recuperation in each area. As athletes know building in rest and recuperation activities is as important as their exercise regime. It is essential to a healthy body that it is allowed to recover from the demands placed on it and so it is in all areas of your life.
In case you have not read last weeks blog let me remind you of the six areas of resilience.
What I am going to share with you, you can use on all the different areas;
Finally I am going to give you a few ideas for how to grow each area and build in rest and recuperation although this is by no means exhaustive so please add in your own where you feel moved to.
* Financial Resilience - I am sure this is an area we are all aware of and the ways I am going to share with you will be no surprise. You can build resilience by
* Spiritual Resilience - This is about understanding what it is to be human and understanding your spiritual evolution. I focus on this in my coaching and training by helping people to shift from being in the ego/automation state into a more self aware and conscious way of living.
* Emotional Resilience - This is important because our emotions trigger our actions and these create our lives. Our emotions can also effect our wellbeing and becoming more emotionally intelligent will help quite a few areas of your life.
* Social Resilience - as I am sure you can guess this is to do with your social life. Before I go into how you can grow it is important for you to know if you are introverted or extraverted and to honour this in your self. You will need to adjust your social life accordingly depending on where you are on the introverted - extroverted spectrum as different amounts and types of socialising will either energise you or drain you and only you will know.
* Physical Resilience - I would imagine most of us know what might be required of this area but I hope I add a few things that might streatch your expectations. When looking for ways to streatch yourself in this area it is for anything that will enable your body to be more healthy and energised.
* Mental Resilience - this is anything to do with your mind and will often be finding ways to get out of the thoughts in your head as they are the cause of a lot of stress in peoples lives. My grandfather used to religiously do sudoku puzzles because he believed that this would ensure that he kept his mind agile and he was mentally agile right up till he died at 95.
I hope that you can see the benefits of building resilience into your whole life and that you have found value in this blog.
I have a lot of resources on my website should you want to explore them I have left my website link in the first comments below, and I also offer a free chemistry call to anyone who thinks they might benefit from coaching with me. You can contact me through my website to set that up.
So much love from me to you.