Wishing everyone love and joy this festive season.
The premise for this email is that you have the power to influence your experience. Over the festive season you will most likely see lots of friends and family and whist this can be wonderful it can also lead to some challenging situations. Old dramas, grudges and roles being played out which can mean that it is not the joyous occasion you might have hoped for. I hope to share some thoughts to help you step put of the old patterns and to start to create new ones - ones you would much rather participate in.
1, You Don’t Need to Take On Other Peoples Stuff If you have ever walked in on two people arguing you know that other peoples emotions can cause quite intense reactions in yourself, especially if you are not prepared. All too often you can get drawn into other peoples stuff when you spend any amount of time with them. Now this will take some focus but it is possible for you to choose who you want to be in any situation. You might chose to be understanding, helpful, kind, loving, funny, and so on. I have been pondering how best to share this idea and have come up with this analogy. Imagine some blue coloured water. You can either be a colourless drop of water and when you are added to the mix you will just take on the blue that is already there OR you can come in with your own colour lets say yellow and change the colour of all the water from blue to green. If you were to come with a different colour lets say brown you would also change the mix but the outcome might not be so pleasant. So what colour / vibration / emotion do you want to be? Choose it before you see anyone and hold it what ever happens you don’t even need to do anything other than focus on the emotion you have chosen and let your actions come from that pace.
2, Let Go Of ExpectationsExpectations are the main cause of disappointment, anger, and frustration. Just imagine you expect that when you arrive to someones house they are ready and looking forward to seeing you. But… when you get there everything is in chaos they have dashed out to the shops and when you finally get in they need you to help clean and cook. Because you had an expectation your ego will think something is wrong because your imagined scenario didn’t happen and then cause you to have intense negative emotions. If on the other hand you are able to approach situations with no expectations you will be free to dance in the moment and accept what ever presents itself. Your ego will not be triggered and you will be ale to really be there for others. There is no pain in letting go of your thought image rather there is just the joy of being with someone you care about.
3, Be The Love You Want To Feel In The WorldI taught my children this many years ago - Not everyone is able to love you the way you would like to be loved but everyone loves to be loved. Instead of expecting (yes there is the pesky expectation again) others to give you love, BE the source of love and let it start with you. Be the one to give out hugs and tell people how much they mean to you. If my children can do it to adults (family, I didn’t shove them into the street and tell them to start loving random strangers :)) I am sure you can find the courage to step up and be the Love you want to feel in the world!
4, Focus on Gratitude and Kindness You cannot change the world but you can change who you are being in the world and through this you can change the world. By focusing on gratitude and kindness you will change the focus of your thoughts and naturally bring more joy into your life. I have been running a gratitude group (Connect with me on FaceBook and send me a message if you want to join) for close to 6 months. I am blown away by how when I focus on gratitude I just see so much more beauty and wonder in the world. We (the gratitude group) have also been doing a random acts of kindness challenge this December. At first as I went about looking for ways to be kind life seemed the same, but after doing it for about a week I found that it was harder for me to find ways to be kind because there was too much kindness flowing back towards me! I know it sounds nuts but just try it even by letting people in when you are driving, if you do it for a week or more you will see that more people start to let you in. Freaky but fun freaky!
5, Let Go Of Should’s, Shouldn’t’s, Must’s and Must Not’s. When you approach something from the point of view that it has to be the way you want it to be or else it is wrong, not only are you saying that someone else is less important than you, but you are also fighting with reality. If you think about how it feels to be less important than someone else, it does not feel very good at all, and different people react to this in different ways. Some might fight back to prove that actually you are wrong, some people back off and withdraw and others become defensive. In none of these situations is there love, understanding and joy. And… who are YOU that you get to decide what is right and what is wrong? Who died and made you God? (I love this saying of Byron Katie’s) It is quite silly when you really think about it. Let me give you an example - Let’s say you are having a big meal together and one person thinks everyone should eat early (they have young children that need to go to bed) someone else thinks that everyone should eat late (they are young and want to pop in on some friends before they come for the meal). If you were to get stuck in who is right and who is wrong it would lead to a very tense meal and no one would really enjoy it as someone would always end up feeling like they were less important. Instead what would happen if you focused on why you were all getting together. Normally this is to enjoy each other and share connection. Then the question is not who is right and who is wrong but what needs to happen so that we can all create joy? Maybe the children get fed early and everyone else eats later, or everyone who is there easts early but some food is saved for the people who want to come later and everyone looks forward to connecting when they get there. When no one is made to be wrong whatever happens there is love and joy.
When you let go of should’s and shouldn’t’s, must’s and must not’s there is space to be with what is. To really understand people and meet them where they are at and enjoy them and love them.
6, Change Your Perspective (an extra one for good luck) This is a little extra one for anyone who is on their own over the festive season. It can feel like you have been forgotten or that no one cares but if you change your perspective it can be a wonderful gift. I am actually going to be on my own this Christmas (my boys are going to their fathers and my mother is going to my cousin’s) I have had a very long and challenging year so have chosen to stay at home and at first I did feel a little disregarded because my mum chose to go somewhere else. I realised that I was doing some the things I have shared with you above - expectations, should’s and shouldn’t’s and taking on other peoples stuff. When I sat with it, firstly I realised it was my choice (I could have gone to my cousins too), that I was honouring myself by giving myself some quiet time which I really need and I decided instead of feeling unloved because people should be together over Christmas I decided to make it a really special time by having a home retreat. If you are on your own what can you do to make that time really special for yourself. For me it is going to be having long sleeps, doing yoga, meditating, going for walks and eating wonderful healthy and tasty food. I realise this isn’t everyones idea of fun but with two teenage kids having the house to myself is a treat and I am going to make the most of it.
I hope you find love and joy in what ever way is most authentic to you. Sending so much love and best wishes for a phenomenal 2020!
How to leave the negative stuff behind you
As I reflect back on this year (it has been both incredibly though for me and out of this world amazing) there are “things” (learnings, understandings, experiences, and memories) that I would like to take with me into the new year. To build on and also to be grateful for. There are also “things” (hurts, frustrations, disappointments and heaviness) that I do not want to bring with me. I think one of the things that really ages us is our inability to let these negative things go. Instead we try to bury them or ignore them but they never quite disappear completely leaving us will a little less energy and vitality every year.
The consciousness tool I am going to share with you today will show you how to complete the negative things so that you can move lightly and joyfully into the New Year with more possibilities than limitations.
It can be hard to know how to handle the negative things that happen to us in life. There is no lesson at school teaching us how to handle breakups, unexpected side swipes, angry people, or other mishaps. And how we handle them will differ with each of us and with each situation. Somethings will be resolved without much thought whilst other things just seem to never quite leave you.
To be able to complete your year I first will have to show you how to recognise an incompletion and it is quite simple really;
Incompletions live in our minds and our thoughts. They are like caged animals restlessly moving around in our minds. You do not have to go looking for incompletions. All you need to do is find some quite time. You could go for a walk, or run, sit in a park or in our lounge (with all your gadgets off) and then just observe your thoughts. Where do they go? What are they worrying about or what are they working on? The way our minds work is that if something is incomplete it will automatically try to resolve it. If you think back to a time when you had an argument with someone, what happened to your thoughts after the argument? I know mine rework what I said in 100 different ways and then play out - “if I said this then that would have happened, and if I then said then this would have happened.” This hyper thinking is because you are experiencing an incompletion. Not all incompletions trigger this level of hyper thinking but if you take time to observe you will be able to see what your mind is trying to work on and then you can complete it and free yourself.
Completing - Completing these incompletions is a 3 step process
1st - Awareness
If you are not aware of your incompletion/s you will not be able to do anything about them. So use the exercise above and take some time out to observe your thoughts. Use your phone or a note pad to jot down what has been playing on your mind. Make a list.
2nd - Decision
Once you know what your incompletions are the next step is to make a decision about them. Ultimately an incompletion is a decision you have put off making. There are a few things to keep in mind when making your decisions.
a) A decision does not have to be made to take action immediately. For instance if you are in a relationship that is not 100% I am not suggesting you ditch it and move on. However you can still make a decision. You might decide to make the final decision in 3 months time after you have tried a couple of initiatives to create the relationship you really want. So this decision will be a decision to make a decision at a later specified date.
b) When making decisions it is more empowering to make them when thinking about what you want to create rather than in reaction. When we make decisions and take action from a place of reaction we end up creating the very thing that we fear. Instead ask yourself “what would I really like the outcome to be?” and then ask yourself “what decision could I make that would take me towards what I want?”. This will give you empowering decisions that will take your life in the direction you want it to go in.
3rd - Let it go
When you have made your decision you can let the incompletion go. Sometimes this can seem easier said than done and your mind might have become used to working over a particular challenge. It is impossible to get your mind not to think about something because by the very nature of instructing it not to think of something it is then thinking of it. For instance if I said don’t think about a purple spotted elephant - you are not thinking of a purple spotted elephant. However you can refocus it. Instead of letting your mind worry over your incompletion decide what you would like once you have moved past your incompletion and when you find yourself worrying over your incompletion make the choice to refocus on your desired outcome or even something completely different. I love the saying let go and let God. You can choose the god of your understanding but when I do this I feel like I am passing my troubles up and when I have done this I have often found that the answer can come to me from any where… a conversation with a friend or colleague, an article I am reading or a program I am watching. I don’t know how it works but i do know that it does work.
Negative draining incompletions are not the only incompletions we can have. We can also have positive creative incompletions. This is when you have just started something in your life or a new project. It is something that it at the beginning of its creation and you might think about it a lot but it is exciting and joyous. You could use one of these to focus on once you let go of your negative incompletion.
I am doing a few webinars and short courses as well as sharing more consciousness tools. If you want to stay in the loop remember to stay connected.
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Wishing you a fabulous festive season and a wondrous New Year.
I was struck recently by the passion of people towards an event that did not involve them. It was the news that Ronaldo was being accused of rape. I was in the car with a couple of people and they started talking about this incident. They are ardent football supporters and Ronaldo is a particular hero of theirs. Needless to say they took his side with determined loyalty. What interested me was that without ever having met him they were so sure of his innocence and of Ronaldo’s accusers malicious intent. Needless to say they were then dragged into a conversation about reality and illusion.
I call our opinions illusions because we tend to think that what we believe about something really matters. In the course of this article you might begin to see that it doesn’t at least when you are trying to change reality.
This conversation made me think how often in life we think that our opinions are the truth. That the truth is the truth because we wish it so, but there are two things to remember about indulging in our opinions (illusions);
1, It doesn’t matter how strong your opinions are they can never change reality. Reality is and nothing you think about it
will change it.
Lets look at the above example - Does how my friends think about the Ronaldo’s rape accusation change the reality that someone has accused Ronaldo of rape? No, no matter how passionately they believe and argue that Ronaldo has been wrongly accused it does not change the reality that he has been accused.
Lets pick another example - Donald Trump - one of the most controversial people alive today. Love him or hate him your emotions are all based upon opinion. The fact is that what you think of him does not change anything. Does how you feel stop him from being President of the USA? No. Does whether you think he is right or wrong in his actions change what he does? No. If you are able to feel/sense or picture this situation how does it make you feel energetically? For me it makes me feel tight, anxious, enraged, and ultimately powerless. Not a pleasant experience and one (should I be fixed on my opinion) I would have created entirely on my own.
2, When you form an opinion you make yourself right and then automatically someone else needs to be wrong. When
you think you are right and someone else thinks you are wrong this leads to a need to defend your position. All conflict
in life comes from this, our need to be right.
Imagine how different things would be if we were to look at the reality of a situation without the need to make it right or wrong. Lets take the Ronaldo incident again. What were the facts? Someone has accused Ronaldo of rape. Other than this there are no facts that we were aware of. So what is to be done. If we were to accept reality we would not get emotionally invested in the event. To accept that we know nothing of the details or of the people and to allow the courts and police to get on with evaluating the evidence. The event would pass without much notice and we would all get on with living our lives. The people involved would go through their experience without the added pressure from all sorts of people all around the world judging them and making a tragic situation even more tragic.
Taking the Trump example if we were to resist the urge to make him right or wrong how would this change your interaction with the situation? Would you feel the way you did initially? Or would you feel calmer and more centred?
When we are emotionally charged (like we are when we are opinionated) we lose access to our higher thinking and are more likely to be rash. This is a physiological reaction to stress and when we feel over emotional about a situation we become stressed. The way we are created when our body experiences stress it goes into survival mode. In survival mode there is no need to think of philosophical outcomes and our brain redirects our processing to our more base animal survival reactions such as fight, flight or freeze.
When we are in a calmer place (acceptance) we are able to make more impactful choices that will take us towards an end result that we really want rather than a reaction based action that would lead to the opposite.
Our thoughts about a situation can never change a situation the only thing that changes reality is ACTION.
If the example with Ronaldo is upsetting for you, you can choose to do something about this by either working with men to find a way that positively empowers them in this new world or work with woman who have been sexually abused to support them past this.
In the Trump example you could march in protest, start a career in developing conscious leadership so that there are more conscious leaders to choose from in the future and so on, by the way although Donald Trump was not around when I started my career there were enough ego driven leaders to inspire me to do something about it.
I am not saying you have to take these particular actions but if you brainstorm you will be able to come up with some that feel right to you. Taking action does not change what has happened but it can energise your actions going forwards and help you create a future you would want to be a part of.
This is only one step in creating greater self empowerment if you want to hear a few more join me on Tuesday the 4th of December at 12.00 midday. If you can’t make it sign up anyway and I will send you a recording. Just email me by clicking here CLICK and I will send you the link to sign on with.
Freedom from your programs
This is a big one! What would be possible if you did not doubt yourself?
A large number my clients have listed this as one of the goals they want to achieve and oddly enough this is normally the one thing that prevents you from achieving your goals.
Before I go into how to get over self-doubt you need to know a little more about it.
The very good news that nearly every person on the planet has suffered from self-doubt and the only ones not to are psychopaths. The fact that you are interested enough to be reading this is a good indication that you are not a psychopath.☺
So why do you have self-doubt when all it really does is stop you from achieving things that you want to achieve? If you have been following any of my blogs you will have read about the conscious and unconscious minds and how your experience of reality is made up of the combination of these two parts of you. They do not play an equal part though as your unconscious mind contributes at least 95% to how you experience reality and your conscious mind only 5%. Your unconscious mind is very important as it directs and gives the instructions for your heart to beat, your lungs to breathing and maintains all of the bodies functions that it would be impossible for you to run manually.
It also interprets all of the information coming in from your senses all of the time. It compares them to data it has already collected to assess whether they are dangerous or pleasurable. Anyone who has had young children will know that they don’t automatically know that some things are hot and can burn them. It normally takes one experience for them to develop a program that stops them from touching hot things again. How these programs work is that once they are triggered by the information coming in from your senses such as heat or steam this activates one of your programs which will send thoughts which activate feelings which in turn cause you to respond in a certain way. If you have ever tried to do something you are afraid of you will know how hard it is to act against your feelings and yet all they are -is feelings! For instance I will assume that you have at some point burnt yourself and developed the program to prevent this from happening again. So if you were to decide that you wanted to walk on hot coals (as some people do), the only thing stopping you would be your thoughts and feelings; and believe you me getting past these is tough! This is how powerful your subconscious mind is at controlling your experiences of life. You have 1000’s of these programs that control how you interact with others, how you communicate, whether you are outgoing or introverted, self-confident or not.
I am telling you all of this because this is where self-doubt comes in. When you experience self-doubt you are doing something that you have either never done before or something that you have not managed to do before. Your subconscious mind accesses its database of everything you have ever experienced and either says “Uh Oh we have no data -this could be a potentially life threatening or humiliating situation let’s put on the brakes and activate the self-doubt” or it will say “Ah Ha the data is not looking good we did this before and it didn’t work. Going on the data it won’t work again. This situation could be problematic lets activate self-doubt.”
I think it is so very important to know that self-doubt is not based on facts it is based on the past or on lack of information and it is something that most of us feel a lot of the time when we are pushing boundaries and growing.
This is why fear contracts your life because if you give in to self-doubt and fear you will stop pushing the boundaries and your life will become less because of it. However if you choose to see fear and self-doubt for what they are - just programs - you can then choose to live your life to the full.
But... If you are anything like me you still want to know, HOW to get past self-doubt. You may want a magic pill but unfortunately I can't offer you that. I can however share with you the way I do know - and that is;
To move past self doubt you need to build up positive information in your subconscious that supports you rather than limits you. The exercise I am going to share with you I use with every single client I have and it is very simple but has to be acted on over and over again to really have impact.
This little process I have described is why coaching is so very successful, because you are checking in with someone else every week there is more motivation to ensure you keep your word to yourself and before you know it you have turned your life around and cant imagine WHY you were so concerned in the first place!
I would like to share an example with you. I am dyslexic and as you can imagine writing does not come naturally to me. It has taken me years to get to this place where I can sit down and rattle off an article without putting it off and finding something else to do. I did not find this easy but did keep setting myself challenges and did keep stepping forwards. Now I am fairly confident in my ability to write my thoughts down. I do still make the odd mistake (especially when it comes to punctuation!) but I no longer feel that my life is limited my by dyslexia. ☺
Wishing you a wonderful week and hoping that you find the freedom that comes from believing in yourself.
This is a strategy that I came up with around 3 years ago. I love simplicity and finding patterns to create short cuts in life. Having coached 100’s of people I decided to find a strategy that would help anyone with any challenge they were facing and allow them to acheive success. This is what I came up with.
Everything in life is created with the same process;
Thought - Emotion - Action
You can look around your environment right now. Look at what you are sitting on, what you are holding, wearing and in fact you yourself were created using this process. First your parents thought they would like to connect, they then felt emotions that caused the action of connecting intimately and then 9 months or so later you were born. The seat you are sitting on or the shoes that you are wearing were also created in this manner. Someone had an idea (thought), felt (emotion) it would be a good idea to create it and then created it (action).
Most things we create in life we do so unconsciously, most of us have not mastered our thoughts and emotions and therefor our actions come from this unconscious space. You only need to look into where you are struggling in your own life to know that you would not have don’t this to yourself consciously. There for you must have created it unconsciously. This strategy will support you in creating consciously so that you can overcome the unconscious thoughts and emotions that can so often derail you and I.
Know the solution you want
I have been struggling with my own very intense challenges in the last few months and it has given me the opportunity to trial this strategy first hand. I found that the strategy held firm but that I needed to master a deeper understanding of a few of the steps. Below I have elaborated on one of these subtleties as it pertains to point 8.
8. Step into the emotion of having achieved the result
This step is the one I have been focused on the most in the last month. I have realised that it is one of the most important steps if not the most important one. When you try to create from fear or lack you will only create more fear and lack. It is absolutely vital to be able to step into the feelings you wish to have even if you only do it for a few moments each day. There is so much to explain around this that I cant get it all down here. However the below explanation will get you started…
We are brought up to place great value in doing things and whilst doing in incredibly important who we are “Being” whilst we are doing is even more important. The strategy above encourages action and it is important, but for your actions to take you where you want to go you will need to be able to change your state from, lack and fear to, having already achieved it. Let me explain by referencing the example of creation I gave you at the beginning of the blog.
Most people try to acheive success by following the process of creation in this order;
1. Action - Emotion - Thought
With example 2 the order the process is followed is slightly different;
2. Thought - Emotion - Action
Here is a more visual explanation;
Example 1 (the one below) Doing Success - Exhausting, defeating, overwhelming, uncertain
Example 2 (above) Being Success - Joy, ease, fulfilment, certainty,
In example 1, success is somewhere outside of yourself somewhere you need to get to and you need to take the right action to get you there. Your achieving success is dependent on external circumstances and other people allowing you to be successful.
In example 2, who you are “Being” creates success and all action takes you there, because it is already where you are. Your achieving success is totally dependent on you and no one and nothing else.
I hope that this will help you to step into a positive and glorious 2018 where the only limitations on your success are due to you not having imagined it yet.
Best wishes and lots of love