Making Aligned Decisions

I am going to give you a couple of tools to help you make better and clearer and more aligned decisions in your life and it's really simple. 

When making aligned decisions you will need to introspect just a little bit as the purpose of the decision will be to ensure you are living in alignment with your truth. 

To start make a list of all the things that you want and all the things that you don't want from the outcome of the decision you are making. It is really important to remember that YOU get to choose. There is no right thing to want or wrong thing. Try not to listen to the internal echoes of your parents voices or your peers, society or teachers. Connect with yourself and see what you really want from the situation. We all have different values and this will direct our choices. Your values are not more right than my values they are just different. If you ask someone else to give you their opinion they will share what is important to them according to their set of values and they might no match yours so do not take other peoples input as the right answer. By all means listen to other people but then make your choices in alignment with what is important to you and only you (or your immediate family).  

    Example - I have chosen to share how I used this method when I moved to the UK as we all want different things from where we live. I will share what I was looking for and as I do look within yourself to see if you would choose similar things or it you have different values and priorities. There is no wrong or right just different preferences. When I moved to the UK I had a very clear list of what I wanted and what I didn’t want.

• To live somewhere that was beautiful, hilly and with lots of trees. Before I moved I had been living in Botswana which for those that have not been there is very flat, dry and has mainly thorny shrubs rather than trees. I wanted to have contrast. I wanted to try something completely different and that's not to say that Bath is better than Botswana. For those people in Botswana who I love very dearly that is not what I am saying. I love Botswana, I love the bush, I love the flatness and the massive open skies, but I wanted something different. 
• I wanted to be within easy reach of London. I wanted to be able to jump on a train and go to London for the day and come back in the evening. If I fancied going to an exhibition or show or needed to go there for work I wanted it to be relatively easy. 
• One thing that I didn’t think about before I left but realised when I arrived was the density of the population in paces in the UK. I visited Ascot briefly one day and went for a walk in one of their parks. It was a Tuesday just after lunch and it was absolutely heaving. I thought to myself if this is a Tuesday afternoon I can't imagine what this park would be like on the weekend! Botswana is a country the size of France with a population of around 2 million. One of the most fabulous things about Botswana is that there are very few people and there is lots of space. So I quickly added to my list of what I wanted that I needed to live somewhere that there was enough space that I didn't feel like I was being overwhelmed by lots of people. 
• I wanted to be somewhere fairly near a city that was busy and thriving so that I could build my business. 
• I wanted the place we moved to, to be cosmopolitan because my children were born and had grown up in Botswana and I wanted them to fit into the community and not be too different. 

Knowing what I did want and what I didn’t made finding the perfect place fairly easy. And when I found it I knew it was right. Bath is very cosmopolitan and although it is not the most dynamic of places it is close to Bristol which is full of entrepreneurs and has a very dynamic energy. We actually live just outside Bath in a beautiful place at the top of a hill with lots of trees and not too many people. I can step out of my door and go for the most amazing walks and also be in the city of Bath within a few minuets. It takes us about 1.5 hours to get to London so an easy day trip. As a family we have been incredibly happy here and would not want to live anywhere else in the UK at the moment. Remember that your list is not finite. Just as I added the population density to mine you can add or take things away as you find things that work or do not work for you. 

I have also used this technique in relationships and later I will share tweak to this technique that is even more specific. You might not realise this but we all want different things out of our relationships. I have recently started online dating and it is fascinating. Firstly there are so many people that say “I like … but then doesn’t everyone?” And not everyone does. We see life through our own lenses and we assume everyone else is seeing the same as us but they aren’t. What you want out of a relationship will be different to what I want out of one. For some people it might be status and money, or connection and authenticity, or for some people it's about sharing passions and activities. We all want different things from a relationship so it is important to know what you want and don’t want and in what priority. I have done this 3 times with relationships and each time the lists evolve until now it is quite basic but specific. Below are examples of how my lists have changed over time. 

1st list 

1. He was to be taller than me
   
2. Be a handy man around the house (neither my dad or my brother were)
   
3. not smoke

I actually can’t even remember what else I had on my list it was quite long. Anyway the relationship did not last as he was not able to take care of himself and needed me to support him. He was also very awkward socially and so meeting up with friends was very uncomfortable. I felt like I had another child to look after rather than a partner. And he was not emotionally intelligent so when I was stressed he thought it was about him and would act up even when I told him that I was stressed because of work.  

2nd list 

1. He needs to find socialising easy 
2. Enjoy dancing 
3. Be interested in some of the things I am 
4. Get on with my family 
5. Have his own money and be financially secure 

This man again met all of my criteria and yet the relationship still didn’t work. Although when I started the relationship I think I already knew this but just didn’t listen to myself. He was also very persuasive and would not accept my no. This turned out to be a common thread throughout our relationship and was actually why it ended. 

So not my list is different again what I am looking for is 

1. A man who really sees me. And wants to know me.
2. A man who I feel safe with 
3. A man who wants to be a partner and create things together 
4. A man who respects the relationship I have with my sons and wants to connect with them too. 
5. Oh and finally a man who I find very sexy :) 

I am sharing this with you because we don’t always know what we want or don’t want until we have tired it.  Life is full of contrast to help us experience different things so that we can know what we truly want and what we don’t. 

One thing that I learnt through my relationship process is about non-negotiable’s and they do not only need to apply to relationships they can apply to any decision you are making. They are the things that you are not willing to compromise on. It is great to have a list of what you want and what you do not want but some of the things on your list will be more important to you than others and then there will be your non-negotiable’s. When I first learnt about non-negotiable’s I was in a relationship and was rather taken aback. I used to be a people pleaser so having such firm boundaries was not something I was used to. However after I got used to the idea I found it quite liberating. It meant that I was allowed to decide on what I would not accept in my life and I had not done this up until then. It makes decision making much easier because if any of my non-negotiable’s are not met I don’t even have to think about it. I have found that 2-3 non-negotiable’s is about the right number. Any more than this and you might become quite rigid or limited. If you are too prescriptive there is no space to discover things that you didn’t know you would love. 

To sum up, when you're making big decisions in life 
    - be very clear about what you want and what you don't want. 
    - Don’t let other people's opinions and limitations sway what you want and what you don't want.
    - Notice if your limitations of what you believe is possible are also hindering your decision making. When you include things that you don't think could be a possibility your options can open up and you might realise you can have more than you ever thought you could. 
    - Finally - non-negotiable’s, make sure that you know what it is that you will not compromise on in your life. The example I gave was in regard to relationships but you can have non-negotiable’s about where you live, the work that you do, or your ethics and your morals and anything else. 

So much love from me to you

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