Parenting in a fear based world

Someone wrote in and asked me if I could write about this topic. I have to say that even though I do think about these things and implement them as much as possible at home that I am human and do from time to time slip up. I have always hesitated in writing about raising children as it is not an exact science, mine are still growing and while I am immensely proud of them they are individuals with their own choices.
Most people try to prevent bad things from happening to their children, I started out by trying this too and from time to time I do still fall into this. However what I realised was that I was disempowering them. Every time I stepped in and solved a situation for my children I was unconsciously telling them that I didn’t think they were able to manage it on their own. What I was teaching them was that they were powerless. They could not believe in themselves, someone else (me) always knew better. What I try to do now is support them in resolving their issues, give them the skills to navigate and overcome the challenges and negative situations they encounter. I want them to grow up to believe in themselves, to trust their judgement and to be confident. To do this I cannot protect them I have to give them the skills to navigate on their own.

      “I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to         be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway... let them be better         people, let them believe more in themselves.” ― C. JoyBell C.

Some of these skills are

1. To be able to listen to the small voice inside themselves; we all know when we do something and it doesn’t feel right. But few of us have been taught as a child to listen to this voice and to trust it. We have been taught that others know better than we do so we think we should rather believe in them. This is a very scary prospect as this is what will lead your child astray. They will look to others for what is right and wrong; it could be their peers, older children, other adults or web based information. If you can get your children to start trusting their little voice they will easily be able to navigate what makes them feel good and what does not and they will be able to say no when they need to. I teach mine that if something feels off they shouldn’t do it. And if they do then what ever happens was their choice. I have worked with women who have been raped and while I would never condone the action of rape each of them have realised that there was a point in the proceeding where they could have chosen differently and that deep inside they did not feel comfortable with the situation. If they had been taught to listen to this voice instead of ignoring it they might never have had the experience they did. This will be a big step for you too, to start to trust your child. As adults we feel that we should know better but actually if you try this out you will find your child does have great wisdom inside them.

1. That who they are being creates their experience. It is very easy to blame others for what happens to you we do it and our children do it. But quite often other people are just responding to who they as the child are being. For example; if they come into a class and are being loud and disrespectful then the teacher is going to have a problem. If they don’t make an effort and do their homework or try their best in class then the teacher will most likely not make as much effort with them. If they don’t have many friends who are they being around their friends and how can they change this. It is the child’s choice. My son learnt about this with his homework. He didn’t like a particular teacher because this teacher was always rather dismissive of him. So we had a chat and I asked him what he was doing that could be causing this. He very honestly said that he didn’t really make an effort. So I asked that if he did make an effort did he think things would change. To which he said yes. He then made the changes himself; I didn’t even need to ask him how things were going, he was so pleased at how he had turned things around that he kept me updated. And this is the really important part. He knew that he had the power to change his experience; he didn’t need to rely on me to save him. Can you imagine how this is going to set him up in life? And I feel such pride that he had the wisdom and the courage to do this.

1. To believe in themselves. Your child and mine will make mistakes. It will happen and when it does it is not the end of the world. If you can allow your child to make their own mistakes they will not fear failure and trying new things. This is one of the biggest challenges for most people. They live miserable lives just because they are too scared to try anything else just in case they fail. Instead of protecting your child give them a choice. Explain what is likely to be the outcome of certain actions and then allow them to make their own choices. Don’t step in and preventing the mistake (except if it is life threatening of course, we need to use common sense!). If their choice leads to an outcome they did not want or it does not turn out as they expected teach them how to recover. We all make mistakes but when we do how do we choose to act? Ask for forgiveness, find out how you can make it better, find out what we could have done differently or hide and hope no one finds out. It is very important that your child learns about taking responsibility for their actions. They don’t need to be punished but they do need to make it right. I have told my children numerous times not to throw stones, it is dangerous! But one day they were playing with some gravel that was next to the car port. One of my sons threw it up into the air and it landed on the back windscreen of my car smashing it to pieces. To be honest he was so devastated that I really didn’t need to push the point. However I did sit with him and discuss what he would do to make it right. He was too young to be able to pay for the repair however we came to an agreement of things he could do to make it right.

1. How to handle challenges and communicate effectively. We are all faced with challenges in life and generally when they occur we have feelings about the situation; anger, frustration, hurt, jealousy, fear and so on. It is important that your child knows that the emotion is only informing them that the situation is not working for them. Once they have got the message they don’t need to buy into the emotion any more. What they need to do now is decide how they want the situation to turn out. Once they have an outcome they will need to plan their actions to create the envisioned outcome. Let me use one of my sons again. He came home very upset one day because he had received a low score in one of his projects. He thought that he had done considerably more work than some of the students that had been given a higher score. I asked him what might cause the teacher to mark his work like this. What he said was so insightful; he said she has to teach the whole school humanities and is very tired and over worked. Maybe she made a mistake? So I asked him if he was to go in and speak to her in a confrontational manor (feeling the emotion of injustice)would she be likely to relook at his work. He said that this would not be a good idea as she would get defensive.  However if he went to her and said; I know you are really overworked at the moment it must be hard having to teach all of us, (create a connection) I am a bit concerned about the mark you gave me for my project I thought it should have been higher, do you think you could have another look over it? How would she react? He thought that she might be ok with this and he went and actioned it. She happily took his work back and relooked at it. I was incredibly proud of him because it takes a lot of courage to approach a teacher when they think the teacher has made a mistake. I am also happy because he is learning a skill that he will be able to use later with his superiors when he is working.  

There are so many more things to add but I think this is a good place to start. If you would like to know more give me a specific situation and I will see if I can write about it and give you the answers you seek.

        “As parents we cannot prevent bad things from happening what we can do is give our children the tools to                 overcome challenges.” – BrittTanya

All the best, I view raising children a bit like solving a mystery there are always clues and we have to try them out and see what fits. If one solution does not work don’t give up try something else there is always a way.

        “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings.”          - Henry Ward Beecher

Lots of love Britt 

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